


Sunken Eyed, Hollow, Teary Eyed, Pretty Bones

by ovijiaboardz



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Eating Disorders, Gen, Idols, Music, Pre-Canon, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 23:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21107888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ovijiaboardz/pseuds/ovijiaboardz
Summary: Then you think you own the world, but you can't control your fit, I don't know how to tell you... // Please read the notes at the beginning before reading!





	Sunken Eyed, Hollow, Teary Eyed, Pretty Bones

**Author's Note:**

> This work is done for the day 8 inktober prompt frail, & I've been hesitant to share it but decided fuck it, I will. This is partially self indulgent with some projections of my own issues onto the character, so please keep that in mind when commenting. Cruel comments will be deleted. 
> 
> This work is an extension of [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17843999) piece I previously wrote. It goes more in depth on her inner struggles & mental state, specifically internalized body image issues & the way the industry shaped her self esteem, long before the killing game & around the time she started her career as an idol. This is based off personal headcanons from what we've seen about her character - which in my defense, isn't much. I do not intend to romanticize or glorify these issues - they are very scary & dangerous. If you feel this way, or even think about starving, purging, etc - please reach out to a therapist, guidance counsler, anyone. You can get better. This isn't a path anyone should go down & I love you all so much & wish you the best.
> 
> That being said, make sure you read the tags for potential trigger warnings as I do not wish to upset anyone with my works. Thank you & have a lovely spooky season!!

The music industry was filled with competition - people constantly pushing others down, desperately trying to claw their way to the top. You needed to be talented, creative, new, appealing, and you had to be pretty. The world’s eyes were always on you, pushing expectations on you, young children who didn’t understand the ramifications aspiring to be you, and business after business trying to buy and sell you like you were some sort of product. A wind up doll, a shiny toy for the masses to enjoy.

Sayaka Maizono always was an overachiever. She set her heart on a goal, and she’d do absolutely anything to achieve it, pushing aside her health, well being, and the effects it had on others. She didn’t want to sabotage others, but that had to be done to make it in the industry. It wasn’t long before she started to sabotage herself.

It was funny how much of Sayaka’s worth felt like it was ruled by numbers. The numbers on her paychecks. Her popularity ranks, measuring her up against the others. Sales. The numbers on the scale. The calorie counts scribbled in her notebooks. It wasn’t long before she realized she was quickly becoming obsessed.

It started as a small insecurity. Sayaka has always been on the smaller side, even as a child. In her earlier years, she was healthy. Healthy wasn’t enough, especially not in an industry built on competition. She mastered her own makeup, specific dieting tips, exercises, dances. You couldn’t just _ shine, _ no, you had to shine the brightest among a sky filled with stars. You had to be the very best, fairest of them all. 

She knew all the tips. She frequently visited forums that gave her tips not on healthy diets, but tips on starving herself. A spoonful of salt before purging to trigger acid reflex. FOur 100 hundred calorie meals was better than one four hundred. Never, god forbid never eat at least two hours before bed. Always sleep on an empty stomach. Don’t eat in secret, indulge in guilty snacking - always eat where someone is watching. If you felt the urge to eat, brush your teeth, paint your nails, anything. It takes you twenty five minutes to really realize you’re full. Look at thin models, remind yourself of your goals.

She exercised and exercised, trying to maintain her stamina on stage as she shrunk and shrunk, her thigh gap getting wider. She was frequently cold, unable to feel her legs after most performances but it was all worth it because they loved her. They bought her songs and bought her concert tickets, and her spot in the ranks skyrocketed. She made them smile, just as idols made her smile as a little girl. She ironically gave them hope that they could blossom too, blind to the reality of how hard it was to get there. 

Recovery was out of the question even if she wanted to. The whole world’s eyes were on her and they’d notice if she put on a few pounds. Her stubbornness was what got her into this mess and there was no escape. Her self esteem felt better because she was popular. She was high in the ranks, above the others and people loved her. Yet it wasn’t genuine. She sometimes wanted a day off, a day off from being a product to feel human. She wanted to fall in love and make friends. She loved the girls in her group to death, but it’s hard to truly feel connected to people you’re competing with. A part of her knew how jealous they were of her and that they’d dispose of her instantly if they could. She was popular and worth a lot of money, so people stuck with her.

She craved friendship, she craved someone to see her soul and see her as a fucking human being for once. That was too much to ask. She wanted this and there was no backing out now.

She’s been so brainwashed by the industry, but she sometimes wondered what little girl sayaka would do if she knew the reality and truth to being an idol. Would she still do it? The initial charm was the smiles of her fans, and inspiring the hearts of thousands. She did that. People loved her and she constantly received emails, packages and signed fan letters of how her success inspired young people to give it their all. She read all of them. Every last letter and every last comment. She had no room to be selfish. This  _ was _ what she wanted.

The show must go on.


End file.
